Spain is Being Overrun by Vulcans

I’m totally serious, you only have to look at some of the people in the public eye and their uncanny resemblance to Spock. Well you’ll never guess the European country in which they’re all residing! Just think, if this many famous mindmelders have managed to infiltrate the Iberian society, how many of the unwashed, anonymous masses might be shoulder-pinching alien fiends? Take your families and run for the hills!!

So next time you decide to visit Ibiza or the Costa del Sol, just watch out for the locals that cover up their ears with sunhats.

Suspected Vulcans

Suspect Nº. 1: Zidane - professional footballer. Real name Zarrk-Tsu-Gozk, will attack Romulans on sight. Fortunately, most of the Earth’s infiltrated Romulans are located in Idaho.







Suspect Nº. 2: Ibarretxe – Politician. Having infiltrated Basque society, he didn’t bother to change his Vulcan name and nobody noticed. Well placed in the upper echelons of parliament for when the final invasion comes.





Suspect Nº. 3: Cortés – prancing Gipsy. Real name Krul-Pffsak. Special ops. Disguises combat training as folk dancing and is currently inseminating most of the worlds top models with repro-pods.

Pitch and Toss ( or Another Good Reason to Shoot Hollywood Producers on Sight. )

After hearing about the upcoming Ninjas Vs. Pirates movie that’s in the works, Lung the Elder and I were seriously considering leaving our humdrum jobs and going to Hollywood to professionally pitch movie ideas. I mean looking at the piles of steaming crap that the studios have being spewing out lately, one has to ask oneself ‘how difficult can it be’? So here are a few of our accumulated brainchilds. (brainchildren?)

1. THE BLOOD VESSEL: A movie about a vampire let loose on a submarine: The Elder Lung’s idea. Pure genius. Huzzah for him.

2. WHITE FREEDOM: An American Kickboxer in Fallujah.

3. THE CRYSTAL PROM QUEEN: A movie about a meth addict in a trailer park starring Hilary Swank. Come on, it’s topical, she was born to play the part and it might swing her another Disability Oscar.

4. APOCOLYPSE COW: Chuck Norris tracks a sleeper cell of jihadi biochemists in Toronto who are cross breeding the avian bird flu virus with mad cow disease, creating a super-infected bovine which will destroy America’s food supply. They try to smuggle it over the border into New York; hijinks and high roundhouse kicks ensue. Think mountie jokes, hockey jokes, and jokes dissing the French Canadians. (LtE)

5. PARIS H., THE EARLY YEARS: TV mini-series. A heart-warming story on how a young heiress fought her way up from the jet-set yachts of St. Tropez to become an icon of loose-living trash and an inspiration to over-privileged hussies everywhere.

6. COME AND PARTY: A wacky comedy starring Ashton Kushner, Rob Schneider, Tom Green and Lindsay Lohan about an test tube full of genetically modified semen that gets mislaid at a frat party. Covers this genre’s full range of essential comic elements from facial mugs to pratfalls to bodily fluids.

7. BOBCAT: The road movie mentioned before.

8. ROLLERBELLE: Jessica Alba plays a gogo dancer from New Orleans who, after losing everything during Katrina and being shipped to Houston, decides to turn her life around and make a fresh start. Fate obliges by giving her a trial with the local All-Girls Roller Derby team. She is of course accepted and in the end, against all odds, captains her team to win the state championships and falls in love with the initially surly, young, handsome coach. A wonderful vehicle for Alba as it would combine Flashdance and Rollerball with Showgirls.

9. BEOWULF AND GRENDEL: Big production directed by Peter Jackson or Ridley Scott. Why? Well it’s obvious if you think about it. Times being what they are, right now most of the American public wants to be fed simplistic, moral tales about the battle between good and evil. CGI makes anything possible and a classical sounding title gives the movie a stamp of authenticity. Unfortunately there is a limit of classical tales with this theme and they’ ve nearly all been used up. The Iliad, War of the Worlds, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, the Arthurian Legends, all of which have already been given the CGI treatment. Beowulf is a vague, violent bit of folklore that’s ripe for butchering by the Hollywood screenwriting fraternity and Bruckheimer sycophants.

10. TETRIS, THE MOVIE: Directed by Uwe Boll and starring Freddie Prinze Jr. I'll say no more.

Remakes, sequels and regurgitations of old TV series:

11. I LOVE LUCY: It’ll be awful and surely flop but that’s never stopped studios in the past. And yet who'd get to be Lucille? Do you reckon Midler or Ulman would be desperate enough? Is Banderas sufficiently strapped for cash to play Desi Arnez?

12. V : Yes it was a pile of facile dross from the eighties but it’s a paranoid piece about battling with ugly aliens who eat cute bunnies and the Fox News viewers would pay top box-office dollar to go lap it up. They’re at war Goddamit. (see number 9)

13. GODZILLA VS. KING KONG: Nothing on Heaven or Earth can stop this remake from happening now. It’s just a question of time.

14. A remake of OPERATION PETTICOAT with pink submarine and all. Only this time the girls working in the sub will be Christina Aguilera, Shakira, Destiny’s Child etc. with George Clooney as captain. The film will take place in the Persian Gulf and the title will be changed to DAS BOOTY. (LtE)

15. THE CINCINNATI KID: Only this time the finale between the Kid and Lancey Howard will take place on Full Tilt Poker live television.

16. EASY RIDER 2 - GRUMPY OLD HIPPIES: Get Fonda and Hopper back together again whatever the price, and before it’s too late. Though of course we’d have to make some minor cosmetic changes to the original movie. Wyatt and Billy don’t actually get killed at the end of the first film and go on with their various lives. Wyatt stays true to the cause and works with the poor, whereas Billy becomes a shallow company exec. Now, Wyatt’s son is going to marry Billy’s daughter and the two old men have to cross America coast-to-coast to attend the wedding. Only this time they don’t do it on choppers but sharing Billy’s SUV. A zany, laugh-a-minute irony piece that somehow manages to stay true to the spirit of the original.

Other stuff could will probably get unnecessarily remade or resurrected for the cinema – The Six-Million Dollar Man (The currency factor in title will be adjusted for appreciation and interest) – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid – The Waltons – The A-Team – Bonnie and Clyde – Day of the Triffids – The Odd Couple – The Streets of San Francisco – Hawaii five-o – One Million Years BC – Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea - etc. The list goes on and on.

So there you have it, a multi-million dollar industry with writers who seem void of any original ideas and producers who are so terrified for their investment that they will only listen to the safety-net surveys of their marketing castrati. There’s got to be a heap o' money to be made here for an enterprising blogger with half a brain. So let’s have it – use the comments section to pitch us your most awful movie idea. But one that you reckon you could actually sell to one of those craven homunculi who run the Hollywood studios.

Our lines are open......

You Remember Me Promising Never to Post About My Kid on this Blog..?

…well try arranging the words ‘lying bastard’ and ‘You are a’ into a well known phrase or expression.

The fact is that there has been a recent turn of events so heinous in its nature that can no longer hold my peace. We are talking about the scandalous mistreatment of a minor here, as well as a monstrous affront to the integrity of my good self, his father. (credit where credit’s due)

As the progenitor of a strapping, boisterous 7-month old lad, I naturally dream of all the fine manly things that my son and heir might achieve in the future. All modest, realistic fantasies you understand – that he captain the first Spanish national rugby team to defeat the New Zealand All Blacks – that he find the cure for malaria – that he be the first man to walk on Mars – that he be the only kid in the class to stand up to the school bully – that sort of thing.

But it has emerged that the mother and grandmother of the little urchin like to play dress-up and they see him as the perfect mannequin for their sinister experiments. The main problem here is their taste in costumes which I can only describe as Camp Victorian Rococo. How the hell is the poor kid going to become a Judo champ if he starts life out dressed as a fucking pixie?

A couple of months ago they slipped up and I overheard the word ‘sailorsuit’. I cut that short by letting them know that, short of being kidnapped by Jean-Paul Gaultier, my son would wear a fucking sailorsuit over my dead body. When they objected I just showed them a page of ‘Spoilt Bastard’ from one of my Viz issues. That shut them up.

But now I find that in my absence my beloved CS has once again been plotting against the masculinity of our offspring. This Christmas she popped into one of the campest giftshops in Barcelona and bought him a…bought him a…..I’m sorry. It’s just too horrible to contemplate. See for yourselves below.

This just goes to prove something that I’ve always secretly believed, that women should not be allowed near children.

Not in My Name.

Sweet Jesus, someone save this child.

Christmas Accomplished.

The following is a copy of a crumpled note that was found in a Whitehouse dumpster by a correspondent from the AL Jazeera network. According to reports the note in question was crudely scribbled in crayon on the back of a torn-out piece of a twinkies box:

XMAS GIFT IDEAS:

DICK - A bunch of toilet paper rolls with the articles and amendments of the Constitution printed on them, so he can do physically what we’re doing politically. Ha ha! Easier gift than last year - why did he want that darn grinding organ anyway?

CONDI - A Fifth Avenue handbag, so she can save on some of her Goddamn shopping time.

ALBERTO - A bottle of ‘Havana Club’. (as in what we use to beat the terrorists down in sunny G. - see if he gets the joke)

ANDY C. - I can fob off my CD box sets of The West Wing to Andy. Maybe he can follow what’s going on and explain a few things.

JOHNNY B. - Big mother of a Stetson hat to wear at UN conferences. Remind ‘em that I don’t need their garlic-stinkin’ permission to do nothing, if I don’t want to.

JED - Oh shoot, I’ll just divert some more hurricane relief funds his way like last year.

POP - Just the usual Whitehouse Christmas card that we send to everyone. Do I have to sign it personally?

MIKEY B. - Give him a new job in charge of organizing an exit strategy for Iraq. That way we’re sure to be there at least for the next few years.

HARRIET - Get her that ‘I’M WITH BRILLIANT’ T-shirt I had printed up.

KARL & SCOOTER - Gonna download that Bad Boys song on to their iPods....watcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they come for you..... Karly Boy’s a good sport, he’ll see the funny side.

FRISTY - Was going to get him some hiking equipment but then Condi told me that he was more of an insider kinda guy. Then she winked at me, which I found kinda creepy.

TONY B: - Memo shredder.

PATRICK FITZ. - One of those - IF YOU’RE NOT WITH US, YOU’RE WITH THE TERRORISTS –bumperstickers.

V. PLAME - A little model of an Aston Martin and a Walther PPK water pistol. Hint, hint.

C. SHEEHAN - A brand new cell phone that Hadley over at the NSA asked me to give her. It’s really kinda snazzy. Maybe I’ll keep it for myself.


The authenticity of the discarded memo has not been affirmed or denied by the Whitehouse Chief of Staff and the reporter who found the note is not available for comment as he can no longer be traced.