The Lung Brothers

Hanging out at the extreme end of the long tail ...

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Analysts Confirm that the Trump Administration Will be the First in US History to Achieve and Surpass a 40% Score on the DHO Probability Factor.



The was quite a furore this week when the statistical forecasting department of the Hardgraves Institute of Political Studies published its findings on the DHO Probability Factor of the executive branch of the next US government. Randy Jeffers, a spokesman for the institute was confident that the results of the study, although surprising, were in fact accurate.
“We obtained all of the numeric components from tried and trusted sources and the algorithms have been triple checked. So, what we have here is a very fairly-assessed and reliable predictive model.” assured Jeffers.

The DHO, which calculates the statistical probability of finding a dead hooker in the Oval Office, was first established during the presidency of Theodore Roosevelt and has been used by every administration throughout the twentieth century to gauge the potential workload of the Chief of Staff.     

When contacted, a staffer from the Trump campaign told us that this result was just a foretaste of all the milestones that this administration was going to achieve “It also shows that this time around, we got a REAL man in the Oval Office, knowhtimean?” the staffer, who wished to remain anonymous, added with an overt wink. He also went on to say that the study conclusively proves that the hands president-elect are in fact, big and strong enough to theoretically strangle a fully grown woman.  

So, the current DHO Ranking of US presidents now looks as follows:


US PRESIDENT (ELECT)
DHO PROBABILITY FACTOR
1.    Donald Trump
41.3%
2.    George W. Bush
31.6%*
3.    John F. Kennedy
28.1%
4.    Warren Harding
24.7%
5.    Bill Clinton
17.5%
6.    Eleanor Roosevelt
7,2%

*This only contemplates the probability of Dick Cheney playing a Halloween prank.  

Friday, April 22, 2016

God must really hate talent.


Bowie? Pratchett? Banks? Rickman? Williams? Wood? ...Prince!!!??!!?

....and yet Jedward, Adam Sandler amd Michael Hasselhoff still live.

Are you O Lord, gathering the wheat and leaving us with the chaff or gathering them unto you or something like that?
Coz this really isn't funny anymore.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Some Day All Laws Will Be Made This Way

So let me get this straight - in the US, suspected terrorists are not allowed to fly on commercial planes but are allowed to purchase assault rifles over the counter. What a wonderful and sensible application of the law. In fact, I reckon that the upper and lower houses should implement a whole series of laws in the same spirit as this jewel of judicial rationale:

May I take the liberty to suggest a few?

Convicted pedophiles should not under any circumstances be allowed to come within one hundred yards of public schools BUT they should not be prevented from becoming foster parents.

Arsonists should not under any circumstances be allowed to light barbecues in their own back yards BUT should not be prevented from purchasing flamethrowers as long as they don’t cross state lines with them.

Voyeurs should not under any circumstances be allowed into public swimming pools BUT they should not be prevented from working for the NSA or the TWA.

People who have been prosecuted for fiscal fraud or misappropriation of funds should not be allowed to work in the finance departments of any corporate entity BUT should not be prevented from working on the financing of electoral campaigns.

Men accused of assault or domestic violence should receive barring orders from their wives and not be allowed to associate with any vulnerable members of society or potential victims BUT should not be prevented from joining the Minutemen. 

Inspectors working for the Securities and Exchange Commission should not under any circumstances receive payment from any banking or trading firm that they are investigating BUT should not be prevented from getting hired by that same firm immediately after said investigation has been concluded.

..you know, it’s quite depressing when you start out writing something as a piece of satire and then realize that most of it is actually true.


Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Cyber-Jargon



As a mid-life crisis project, I’ve decided to get with the young crowd and invent some new hip techno-terms to be easily used in their everyday environment. Here are a few ideas:

TEXTICLE: a short text message.

WEBOLA: Something that has gone seriously fucking viral.

NECROTICON: An emoji that you send to people at funerals to show them how sad-faced and sorry you are for their loss.

DABBLET: A small, slim, touch-screen computer that you just play around with but never actually learn how to use properly.

BIOPSELFIE: Taking a photograph of yourself performing surgery and posing it online.

TENDING: Almost trending…but not quite there yet.

FEXTING: Exchanging written messages with a profane Irishman.

PHISH MOB: A semi-spontaneous gathering of Nigerian conmen in a random public place.

CROWDFORCING: Cyberbullying the general public into giving you their opinion.

ONANETIQUETTE: A code of cordial and decent behavior when using online porn.  

SLOG: A blog that has become too much trouble to maintain. (Ehem!)


Monday, April 20, 2015

If You've Got a Worse Pun Today, I'd Like to Hear It.....



Captain, we have a serious malfuntcion in the handycraft section on one of the lower decks. 



Mmmmmmm!








Make it sew, Mr. LaForge. 



Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Utterly Useless Ponderings.....


Did you ever look at a photo of an open iron mine and think.......?












.....Christ I’d really go for a bit of chocolate cake right now. 



Sunday, August 31, 2014

Arizona: 9-Year Old Girl Accidentally Kills Her Shooting Instructor with an UZI.


I've discussed this issue in depth with my friends over the web and the feeling is that, since we're talking about the state of Arizona here and not Texas, it's quite unlikely that the 9-year old girl will be given the lethal injection. 

Then Lung the Elder incisively pointed out that the girl isn't actually from the state of Arizona but was only there on a visit. In that case, she will probably be declared an 'unlawful combatant' and get sent to Guantánamo without a trial.