Idea to Make a Million Nº. 163

While musing on the current economic crisis and the stagnation of the housing market, it occurred to me that there still might be a way to make a killing in property. I remember that a block away from our old apartment there used to be a flat for rent above a nightclub. If my memory serves me, it took over two years to find someone who was prepared to put up with the racket.

So here’s my idea in a nutshell:


A Real Estate Agency Exclusively for the Deaf


First of all, you go house hunting anywhere near an airport, train station, sawmill, Formula 1 racetrack or military firing ground. These residencies are usually pretty cheap anyway but in the current economic climate you should be able to pick them up for a song.

You then advertise in any magazines, associations or social groups for deaf people that you can find. I reckon you could offer the apartments for a fraction of the market price and still make a nice juicy mark up.

So the big question is – what to call this new enterprise? Here are a few of my own personal suggestions:


Bedlam & Din ltd.

Cacophony 21

Boom Housing plc.

Eardrum Brokers and Sons

Pandemonium Properties Inc.

Urban Hubbub

Def & Mute-ual

Rumpus Rooms Ltd.


Any other ideas for names?

My Feelings on the Presidential Inauguration.

So, the economy’s on the verge of collapse, a chunk of the population will probably be left on the street over the next few years while the banks use their billion-dollar handout to save their own asses, the auto industry is heading for a brick wall, there’s a couple of quagmire wars to squirm out of, the country’s international credibility is in the shitter, the constitution has been left like a Swiss cheese by the previous administration, a big change has been promised and someone’s going to have to deliver before the People’s patience runs out…the future is decidedly bleak.

So what should we do?

LETS HAVE A BIG PARTY AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES FOR A WHILE!

Does mere relief justify such a feeling of jubilance? I’m afraid Mr. President, the hangover will begin on January 21st and is going to last for the next four years.

Legacy

I sometimes think that the greatest achievement of Dick Cheney after 8 years in the Whitehouse is the way he managed to change the term ‘Oversight Committee’ to ‘Overlook Committee’.

Nice one, Dick.

Father Ted Found Alive!!!

...and committing genocide in Serbia!

That Dermot Morgan. What a card!

Smug Shots

Wonderful word SMUG.

Just four little letters and yet conveys so much. There must be equivalent words in other languages but I doubt that any of them could coin such a nuanced idea with such little effort.

The other day I was reading an article about mapping the human genome and there was a photo of Craig Venter. And Craig Venter was looking smug. Because Craig Venter always looks smug. He just has one of those faces. It emits smugness to a point that you just want to put a boot into it. Bless him, he can’t help it.

Then I got to thinking what other public figures have that smug look. Now I’m not talking about those ‘proud’ or ‘arrogant’ or ‘massive ego’ looks. No, it has to be that superior, self satisfied shit-eating grin that you just know belies some deep seated insecurity.

So, I’ll throw a few examples of what I currently consider to be the smuggest mugs to grace our magazine covers and television screens and see if you lot can add with a few more to the line up:

Craig Venter

Nicholas Sarkozy






Matthew McConaughey



Hillary Clinton







Bono



Michael Schumacher









Mike Myers

Richard Branson









Sting


and of course Tom Cruise

Now look at all these photos very carefully. Do you notice anything? Exactly the same expression in all of their eyes. Twenty-one carrat, uncut smugness. I'm not kidding, look again.

So what other celebs would you classify as prize smug bastards?

Occupational Hazards

A bit of embarrassment while out dining with a friend JM and his wife IM this weekend. IM had left her job at an optician’s about six month previously and set up on her own. She was still on good terms with her old boss and was flattered to find out that he was having a lot of trouble finding someone to replace her.

They did find one guy to take her place and for a while things seemed to be going peachy. However there was a catch. This dude was schizophrenic, which wasn’t a problem while he was on his meds. Sadly he had a history of periodically going off his pills and it didn’t take long before he started skipping while at the optician’s.

At this point the sick bastard that is my imagination took over and I started giggling uncontrollably in the restaurant. People were staring and my friends had to inquire as to the source of such amusement.

‘Oh come on. A schizophrenic optician?
“WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME! STOP STARING AT ME! THE EYES, AAAAGH, THE EYES!”’

Yeah, I know. I’ll burn in Hell.

So what other occupations can you think of that might have some comic potential for schizos?

Ideas to Make a Million Nº. 745(b)

Wii Foreplay.

That is all.