The Lung Brothers
Hanging out at the extreme end of the long tail ...
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Spoiling for a Fight.
The question is not ‘if’ Trump will go to war during his term but ‘when’ and ‘with whom’. Despite all of his rhetoric about not intervening in more foreign conflicts, it’s just too much in the nature of his ego and the hawkishness of his entourage for there not to be a war. He’ll also need a high-profile distraction for the inevitable failure of all of his pre-election promises. Heck, one needless war even got that dolt Bush Jr. re-elected for a second term, so I don’t see what Trump has to lose.
So, who will be the lucky invadee?
Too big and powerful and nucleary. I reckon the hostilities with China will be limited to posturing, light brinksmanship and a few trade kerfuffles. Even Bannon couldn’t be ‘that’ stupid.
A possibility. Both Israel and the Saudis would certainly encourage it. But this war would make Iraq and Afghanistan look like a slapping match in a kindergarten. The resources required could send the US economy into a tail spin.
It would certainly be very handy, having them so close by and everything. Not a whole lot of modern military might to deal with either. Quite tempting as a sort of feature-length version of the invasion of Granada. A lot of his supporters on the loony right would also be thrilled. However, one has to consider the profit motive. How much is there to gain by taking over a semi-strategic island with few natural resources? Sure, the idea of a Trump Tower in Havana and opening a half dozen golf resorts near Guantanamo Bay might appeal to the old fart but that won’t go very far to recoup the costs of a full-scale military campaign. The same argument concerning economic gain would apply to North Korea.
Naw. Why kill your whippin’ boy when he’s so darned good at being whipped. I honestly think Trump really enjoys the Biff Tannen-George McFly relationship he currently has with his friends in the south and wouldn’t want to spoil it. He might however carry out a few high-profile ‘incursions’ into Mexico to extrajudicially harass the narcos there. He has undoubtedly also considered schlepping a No Man’s Land on the Mexico border, North-South Korea style. That would bully the Mexican government nicely and show himself to be a strongman to his immigrant-fearing voter base. But an all-out invasion? I don’t think so.
The European Union?
Highly unlikely. Although he might allow Putin to muscle in on Eastern Europe without doing anything about it. Pissing all over NATO does seem to be on his agenda.
Now, this for me is the number one candidate. Why? It’s a poor, desperate, disorganised country that’s floating on oil. Its leader is an ignorant bully, much in the same mould as Trump himself, and professes to some sort of pseudo-left wing revolutionary tripe. It’s relatively easy to sail a fleet to and doesn’t get on particularly well with most of its neighbours. Excuses for an invasion? Oh, come on, provoking Maduro to do or say something idiotically hostile would be child’s play. And anyway, a large portion of the American public don’t seem to mind when Trump blatantly lies to their faces, so they’d hardly need much preconditioning for propaganda.
Mark my works, there may not be any overt hostility between the US and Venezuela at the moment, but there will be. It’s just too ripe for the picking.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Analysts Confirm that the Trump Administration Will be the First in US History to Achieve and Surpass a 40% Score on the DHO Probability Factor.
The was quite a furore this week when the statistical forecasting department of the Hardgraves Institute of Political Studies published its findings on the DHO Probability Factor of the executive branch of the next US government. Randy Jeffers, a spokesman for the institute was confident that the results of the study, although surprising, were in fact accurate.
“We obtained all of the numeric components from tried and trusted sources and the algorithms have been triple checked. So, what we have here is a very fairly-assessed and reliable predictive model.” assured Jeffers.
The DHO, which calculates the statistical probability of finding a dead hooker in the Oval Office, was first established during the presidency of Theodore Roosevelt and has been used by every administration throughout the twentieth century to gauge the potential workload of the Chief of Staff.
When contacted, a staffer from the Trump campaign told us that this result was just a foretaste of all the milestones that this administration was going to achieve “It also shows that this time around, we got a REAL man in the Oval Office, knowhtimean?” the staffer, who wished to remain anonymous, added with an overt wink. He also went on to say that the study conclusively proves that the hands president-elect are in fact, big and strong enough to theoretically strangle a fully grown woman.
So, the current DHO Ranking of US presidents now looks as follows:
US PRESIDENT (ELECT)
DHO PROBABILITY FACTOR
1. Donald Trump
2. George W. Bush
3. John F. Kennedy
4. Warren Harding
5. Bill Clinton
6. Eleanor Roosevelt
*This only contemplates the probability of Dick Cheney playing a Halloween prank.
Friday, April 22, 2016
God must really hate talent.
Bowie? Pratchett? Banks? Rickman? Williams? Wood? ...Prince!!!??!!?
....and yet Jedward, Adam Sandler amd Michael Hasselhoff still live.
Are you O Lord, gathering the wheat and leaving us with the chaff or gathering them unto you or something like that?
Coz this really isn't funny anymore.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Some Day All Laws Will Be Made This Way
So let me get this straight - in the US, suspected terrorists are not allowed to fly on commercial planes but are allowed to purchase assault rifles over the counter. What a wonderful and sensible application of the law. In fact, I reckon that the upper and lower houses should implement a whole series of laws in the same spirit as this jewel of judicial rationale:
May I take the liberty to suggest a few?
Convicted pedophiles should not under any circumstances be allowed to come within one hundred yards of public schools BUT they should not be prevented from becoming foster parents.
Arsonists should not under any circumstances be allowed to light barbecues in their own back yards BUT should not be prevented from purchasing flamethrowers as long as they don’t cross state lines with them.
Voyeurs should not under any circumstances be allowed into public swimming pools BUT they should not be prevented from working for the NSA or the TWA.
People who have been prosecuted for fiscal fraud or misappropriation of funds should not be allowed to work in the finance departments of any corporate entity BUT should not be prevented from working on the financing of electoral campaigns.
Men accused of assault or domestic violence should receive barring orders from their wives and not be allowed to associate with any vulnerable members of society or potential victims BUT should not be prevented from joining the Minutemen.
Inspectors working for the Securities and Exchange Commission should not under any circumstances receive payment from any banking or trading firm that they are investigating BUT should not be prevented from getting hired by that same firm immediately after said investigation has been concluded.
..you know, it’s quite depressing when you start out writing something as a piece of satire and then realize that most of it is actually true.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
As a mid-life crisis project, I’ve decided to get with the young crowd and invent some new hip techno-terms to be easily used in their everyday environment. Here are a few ideas:
TEXTICLE: a short text message.
WEBOLA: Something that has gone seriously fucking viral.
NECROTICON: An emoji that you send to people at funerals to show them how sad-faced and sorry you are for their loss.
DABBLET: A small, slim, touch-screen computer that you just play around with but never actually learn how to use properly.
BIOPSELFIE: Taking a photograph of yourself performing surgery and posing it online.
TENDING: Almost trending…but not quite there yet.
FEXTING: Exchanging written messages with a profane Irishman.
PHISH MOB: A semi-spontaneous gathering of Nigerian conmen in a random public place.
CROWDFORCING: Cyberbullying the general public into giving you their opinion.
ONANETIQUETTE: A code of cordial and decent behavior when using online porn.
SLOG: A blog that has become too much trouble to maintain. (Ehem!)