The Lung Brothers

Hanging out at the extreme end of the long tail ...

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Putting the Gin into Virgin, the Excrement into Sacrament and the Mange into Manger

As the festive days draw closer, we should all be doing our darnedest to demonstrate our good will to our fellow man, so I thought I’d be a lazy bastard and rehash an old but topical posting from months ago.

‘Tis the season to take roughage, falalalalah lalalah.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Out of Sight, Out of Our Fucking Minds

Every now and then when out with Lung the Elder, quaffing pilsner and talking rot, one of us will come up with a funky idea on how to make the millions that we’re going to need to keep us in beer and music up to and beyond our dotage.

A couple of nights ago we came up with a real beaut. A surefire pearl of money-making genius. If we ever get the capital together to get this thing off the ground, we’ll be lighting our farts with banknotes for the rest of our days. First as a prologue, lets go through the train of thought that led up to this epiphany:

We were talking about the way that we western nations are awfully self-deluded when it comes to taking moral high grounds. We like to believe that our societies are free from slavery, genocide, totalitarianism, torture ..etc. Well OF COURSE our societies are free from these evils because we export them all to the shit-poor ..oops sorry…developing countries.

We don’t support slavery ……. but we do subcontract to foreign manufacturers whose working conditions pretty much fall into that category.

We don’t torture ….but we do ship suspects to where they do.

We’re a model democracy, defenders of human rights …. but we do bankroll quite a few allies who sure as hell aren’t.

It is truly incredible how one simple remove can help us to forget about what our excessively comfortable standard of living actually costs. Outsourcing is the new confessional, a perfect lubricant for social denial, the 21st century’s answer to the plenary indulgence….

And that’s when the idea hit us like a wet trout in the face…


Committed adultery, theft, murder?
Fearing the wrath of God?

Not a problem, Sir.

For the paltry sum of $200, we will send you a contractual declaration signed by an impoverished Guatemalan yam farmer that he will assume your sin up to, but not later than, the Day of Judgment.

The UOCGC has almost unlimited Offshore Sin Storage Facilities (OSSF) all around the globe, from street beggars in Bangladesh to AIDS orphans in Mozambique. In a recent mass baptism we converted 2000 Chinese on death row who, for a small remuneration to their families, will voluntarily take your wrongdoings with them when their day finally arrives.

Not only will you be clearing your debts with the Lord, but you’ll be contributing to the global economy. And thanks to our politicians and evangelical ministers, we now know for certain that Jesus loves the free market (except for that tiff in the temple in Jerusalem, but he was having a bad day), so the Sin Clearance Transaction (SCT) practically counts as missionary work.

Is your conscience being overtaxed?
Don’t wait another minute!
Call Freephone 0800 SINBIN

“For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul” Matthew xiii, 57.
I’m telling you folks, this is the money spinner of our age. Easy Street here we come!