Multiple Combat Winner Gerard Butler Admits to Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs Before the Battle of Thermopylae.

Butler orders a charge in the epic film 300.




The Epic Movie establishment was thrown into shock this week when it was revealed that Gerard Butler, winner of numerous cinematic battles had been using a form of anabolic steroid known as ‘The Ham’ in his role as King Leonidas during the shoot of the movie ‘300’. Butler’s admission could retroactively cost him his leading roles in the Beowulf and Attila sagas.


Although he had been under investigation for some time by the Anti-Doping branch of the Academy for Dramatic Arts, the Scottish actor had repeatedly denied using uncontrolled substances to achieve his almost superhuman prowess on the set even to the point of filing a lawsuit against Entertainment Weekly for slander.

“It was amazing to watch him slash his way through a dozen Persian Immortals in a single take,” said co-star David Wedham, “then to keep that fighting pace up for three days and still want to dine in Hell at the end of it. It all looked all too good to be true, and sadly, we now know it was. I feel bad for Gerard but above all I feel terrible for the shame that this scandal has brought to the profession. I had read for the Leonidas role too, did you know?”

“It’s a disgrace, they should make an example of him.” an industry spokesperson who preferred to remain anonymous told us, “Back in the old days when you saw Victor Mature going up against the Philistine armies, you knew he wasn’t taking any junk. Things were different back then, the stars were real heroes with a lot of heart as well as muscle. Not the bums that you see in the studios today.”

Yesterday Butler’s agent issued a press release on his behalf. “I deeply regret all the disappointment that this has caused to my family, my associates and the studio. My wish is that, at the very least, this admission might help to put an end to this ever shameful practice which is sadly on the rise in Hollywood today. Above all I hope that my selfish behaviour will not sully the fine reputation of this homo-erotic, eugenics-supporting, racist, semi-fascist, gore-fest of a film.”

Idea to Make Millions Nº. 666.

I read the other day that the majority of US citizens have no truck at all with the idea of evolution and roughly the same amount believe in a gig called the ‘Rapture’. This involves the theory that the ‘true’ believers (i.e. evangelists) will be beamed up to heaven à la Star Trek sometime before the arrival of the Antichrist. They will thus miss out on the subsequent biblical shit storm.

In fact a lot of these believers are eagerly watching for the prophetic signs that will precede said event using the book of Revelations as their guide. Now let us take a nice deep breath and pause for a moment to consider this situation.............


...........Did you come to the same realization as I did?



HOLY SHIT, A MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION OF THE MOST HEAVILY ARMED NATION ON THE PLANET ARE GLEEFULLY LOOKING FORWARD TO ARMAGEDDON!!!!!

Now, most of you might see this state of affairs as a problematic not to say shit-curdlingly terrifying. However, where you mortals see a problem, I see a golden opportunity.

There exists a series of books called ‘Left Behind’ that is set in a post-Rapture future. It chronicles the misadventures of those poor souls who were not amongst the chosen. That is, the sinners who didn’t get airlifted to Paradise and now have to hang around on Earth waiting for Beelzebub to make an appearance.

The authors of this series of books were indeed a pair of clever buggers. Because in combining science fiction with evangelism, they ended up selling 62 million copies.

Hang on, did I just say SIXTY TWO MILLION COPIES?!

I believe I did.

Hallelujah.

I have seen the light.




I have thus been pondering long and hard, searching my tormented soul to find a similar way to get both my hands into those deep, deep evangelical pockets and I think I’ve come up with the perfect idea. Ladies and gentlemen, very soon you will be amazed to find on the shelves of your local bookshops the brand new Born Again cookbook. But not just any old cookbook folks. Using sensational recipes, this culinary tome will also denounce the heretical theory of evolution. And it will be called (drum roll):


INGREDIENT DESIGN


The premise of this new brand of Gourmet Theology is basically this:

How can one gaze upon and savour a plate full of tomato, mozzarella de buffalo and fresh basil doused in holy virgin olive oil and think that these foodstuffs evolved by mere hazard? I defy you all to experience the divinity of a perfect Caprice Salad then look me in the face and tell me that they entered into existence and were brought together by 'accident'. No dear friends, they could only have been created by a higher order and guided together by a celestial hand. Thus do I refute evolution.

How can one eat sweet corn and butter and honestly not conclude that these ingredients were brought together in holy matrimony through divine intent, how can one accompany cured Manchego cheese with a robust Merlot and not feel the presence of the Godhead? And I defy you all to try a brownie and vanilla ice cream accompanied with a hot espresso and not feel the urge to fall on your knees and praise Him. Anything, and I mean anything served with crispy bacon can only confirm the existence of Yahweh.

Watch out, I hear you cry, the bacon remark may offend some of the more hyper-sensitive or hyper-violent of the middle-eastern religions. Well I feel that it is my ecclesiastical duty to challenge the doctrines of those creeds with one simple question - If God had not meant us to eat piggies then why did he give us mustard?



But there is a darker side to my theory of Ingredient Design. For just as we can name recipes that prove the existence of the Lord, there are also dishes out there that leave no doubt that the Dark One walks among us.

Here in Spain they serve white asparagus with (believe it or not) mayonnaise! When this pallid white-on-white mush is served to you in a restaurant and the water gushes out of the vile vegetable as you cut into it causing the mayonnaise to form lurid floating globs on the plate, a shiver may run down your spine as you realise that this can only be the Devil's work. Up San Sebastian way, they have been known to serve salted-cod omelettes! - I've always had my doubts about the piety of the Basques.

My spies tell me that there are parts of the Netherlands where they eat raw herring with....MUSTARD! This diabolical dish can only mean that when the world draws close to Armageddon and the Rapture is nigh, the Anti-Christ will probably be born somewhere near Utrecht.



So, what do you reckon folks? Am I on to a winner here?

Worst Pun Competition.

For some godforsaken reason I have gotten into a bad pun series of e-mails with a couple of old friends. It’s actually turned out to be quite entertaining in a face-clawing sort of way. So far I reckon that the absolutely worst offerings have to be:


A lady walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre ……
….so he gave her one.

Two oranges walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says …. ‘Your round’.


Pretty agonizing eh?
So we’re going to open this one to the floor and let both our readers pitch their most original and worst possible puns our way. As a prize, both Lungs will come round to the winners house and beat him/her senseless with wet loofahs. Our largesse knows no bounds.