The Lung Brothers

Hanging out at the extreme end of the long tail ...

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Multiple Combat Winner Gerard Butler Admits to Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs Before the Battle of Thermopylae.

Butler orders a charge in the epic film 300.

The Epic Movie establishment was thrown into shock this week when it was revealed that Gerard Butler, winner of numerous cinematic battles had been using a form of anabolic steroid known as ‘The Ham’ in his role as King Leonidas during the shoot of the movie ‘300’. Butler’s admission could retroactively cost him his leading roles in the Beowulf and Attila sagas.

Although he had been under investigation for some time by the Anti-Doping branch of the Academy for Dramatic Arts, the Scottish actor had repeatedly denied using uncontrolled substances to achieve his almost superhuman prowess on the set even to the point of filing a lawsuit against Entertainment Weekly for slander.

“It was amazing to watch him slash his way through a dozen Persian Immortals in a single take,” said co-star David Wedham, “then to keep that fighting pace up for three days and still want to dine in Hell at the end of it. It all looked all too good to be true, and sadly, we now know it was. I feel bad for Gerard but above all I feel terrible for the shame that this scandal has brought to the profession. I had read for the Leonidas role too, did you know?”

“It’s a disgrace, they should make an example of him.” an industry spokesperson who preferred to remain anonymous told us, “Back in the old days when you saw Victor Mature going up against the Philistine armies, you knew he wasn’t taking any junk. Things were different back then, the stars were real heroes with a lot of heart as well as muscle. Not the bums that you see in the studios today.”

Yesterday Butler’s agent issued a press release on his behalf. “I deeply regret all the disappointment that this has caused to my family, my associates and the studio. My wish is that, at the very least, this admission might help to put an end to this ever shameful practice which is sadly on the rise in Hollywood today. Above all I hope that my selfish behaviour will not sully the fine reputation of this homo-erotic, eugenics-supporting, racist, semi-fascist, gore-fest of a film.”


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting that the legitimate websites (Variety, etc.) have no mention of this.

Could you please site your source? Otherwise, it's slander. Right?

6:17 pm  

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