The Lung Brothers

Hanging out at the extreme end of the long tail ...

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Idea to Make Millions Nº. 513

I’ve never personally consulted any of those on-line dating pages but one would imagine them all to follow a fairly standard format.

An over-flattering photograph of you from eight years ago,
A profile section that allows men to lie about their height/wealth and women to lie about their weight/age,.
A set of silly generic questions that are supposed to let you show your wit and personality without making you seem too smarmy or cocky….blah, blah etc.

And all of this is to be wrapped up in a relatively anonymous package so that the punters don’t have to worry about perverts, stalkers or (heaven forbid) telemarketers finding out where they live.

But is there room for improvement with this format?

Of course there is and that’s where my money making idea comes in.

We live in an age where technology has allowed us to customize everything through interactivity. At the flip of a switch we can chose our music, our TV programs and even have an artificial brain select the type of literature that we might want to order. Surely this direct involvement in personal choice should be carried over to the on-line dating game too, no?

So, what I propose is that we abolish the generic question section of the web site and let the customer decide what he/she is going to ask. These questions, if wisely formulated could immediately separate the wheat from the chaff (or the chav as the case may be) and save so much time for our busy client.

I’m thinking of calling the site or or As an example, here is a brief selection of the type questions I would ask a potential date before moving on to the next step.


Does the word ‘niggardly’ offend you? Yes □ No □

Are you against women’s suffrage? Yes □ No □

Will you ask me about my salary on a first date? Yes □ No □

Do you ever, ever wear pink lipstick? Yes □ No □

Have you had any plastic surgery? Yes □ No □

Do you ever phone people even though you have nothing particular to say to them? Yes □ No □

Did you cry when Princess Diana died? Yes □ No □

Do you own any Phil Collins CDs? Yes □ No □

Do you believe that the stars influence our destiny? Yes □ No □

Do you chew and pop gum? Yes □ No □

Do you still keep stuffed animals in your bed? Yes □ No □

Did you like the film Moulin Rouge? Yes □ No □

Do you use the words ‘me’, ‘I’ or 'like' on average > three times per sentence? Yes □ No □

Do you fret about your weight? Yes □ No □

Are you offended by sick humour? Yes □ No □

Do you secretly despise men despite desperately wanting a date? Yes □ No □

You see, these subtle queries would immediately distinguish the type of woman for me through a process of elimination. Because so much of a sniff of a positive answer to any one of them would have me running for the hills like a burning spastic.

So what questions would you ask on your customized questionnaire?


Blogger Twenty Major said...

Which do you prefer? Cecilia Ahern or Marian Keyes.

Trick question, innit.

ps - I am disgusted by your use of the word niggardly.

It's an insult to all black misers like me.

2:39 pm  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

I'd prefer to go for open questions like:

Whats your pin number?

How many fellas have 'entered' you in the one nite?

and other, more personal questions.

4:00 pm  

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