A Day in Court at The Hague.

Prosecuting Attorney: Mr. Neocon, I remind you that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and that you will remain under oath until the proceedings have terminated. Are you aware of the charges that have been brought against you?

Mr. Neocon: Yes Ma’am, I am aware of the allegations.

PA: And you plead not guilty to these accusations.

N: That is correct.

PA: It is charged that in March of 2003, you knowingly and wilfully did enter into the home of Ms. Iraq and violate her against her will.

N: Lady, that is a pack of lies, the Iraq chick was up for it. She’d been flirting with me for years. You just ask any of my buddies from the coalition who were there. She was leading me on the whole time.

PA: So you claim that she was actually interested in being invaded by you?

N: Damn straight, Lady.

PA: How can you be so sure she was interested?

N: Listen toots, when you’ve invaded as many countries as I have, you get to know the signals. Know what I’m saying?

PA: And what exactly were the signals that the Ms. Iraq gave you?

N: Well, you know there was that look.

PA: That look?

N: Yeah, you know. That ‘come-hither’ look.

PA: Ehem. Is there anything more ‘concrete’ that you could offer us as an example of one of the victim’s come-on ‘signals’?

DA: Objection Your Honour, ALLEGED victim.

Judge: Objection sustained.

PA: Excuse me Your Honour. Could you give us a more tangible example of the ‘alleged’ victim’s signals?

N: Hell yes, Ma’am. For one thing, she was very provocative. Always going around with that skimpy border security. I swear sometimes it looked like she had no patrols on at all. Looked like you could just walk in there and help yourself.

PA: So you’re implying that she was a tease.

N: You got that right. The chick was always tryin’ to make me jealous by inviting those fancy European weapons inspectors back to her place.

PA: That must have made you angry.

N: Hell no. What, me jealous of a bunch of coiffured euro trash? (No offence Judge) As if. Just put me face to face with one of those faggots on the battlefield and we’ll see who comes out looking fancier.

PA: The alleged victim claims that you tried to get her drunk on the idea of freedom.

N: Hey, I offered her all the freedom that she wanted but it was up to her whether she accepted our guarantees or not. Although the truth is, by the time she invited me back she was heavily under the influence.

PA: She claims that she didn’t swallow a word of it.

N: Well, that’ll be her word against mine. (Smiles)

PA: You say that she ‘invited’ you back to her place?

N: Sure did. Said that she wanted to show me her impressive collection of WMD. She thought I might be interested seeing as I’m such an avid collector myself. And I can tell you, that invitation was well overdue.

PA: Overdue? How so?

N: Well, truth be told, I’m a romantic kinda superpower. Whereas other nations like to jump in with force and passion, I like to play it cool. I had been courting Ms. Iraq for ten years with an importation embargo. You know, softening her up, waiting for her to lower her defences so I could make my move. I wanted it to be special.

PA: Well it is very strange Mr. Neocon because according to the alleged victim, she was in no way interested in you coming back to her place and gave you no signals to that effect. In her version of events, you harassed her for years and then became progressively angrier when she did not respond. She claims that you forced your way in and inflicted irreversible pain and destruction while claiming that you were doing her a favour.

N: That’s a lie! She was gagging for it!

PA: But what about the bruises, the bombings and the scarred landscapes?

N: Some countries LIKE it a bit rough.

PA: Tell me this, if she really consented to this invasion, why is it that her testimony now condemns you?

N: Look Lady. I am what is known as a ‘catch’, you know? Highest GDP in the world. I’ve got style, I’m popular. I did that Marshal Plan thing a few years back. I know I look good. The fact is I could have any country I wanted.
So along comes little Ms. Iraq and practically throws herself at me. And when it’s all over, she thinks I’m going to set up there. And I’m like ‘No way Amiga!’ OK I’ve seen your natural resources and they’re pretty hot but they’re not THAT special and anyway I’m just not ready to settle down to colonize just one country. So then she flips and starts screaming at me to get out. And the next thing I know I’m in the International Courts of Human Rights and I got some lawyer telling me that I ‘violated’ another country.
Well I’ll you something. It’s all a pack of lies and you ain’t got nothing in that briefcase, no piece of proof to tell me otherwise. So unless you got something else to show the jury, I gotta be somewhere else, OK?



The court was adjourned that afternoon and due to lack of evidence, the defendant was released without charges. He was however instructed to pay maintenance costs to Iraq over the next twenty years for the crippled and delinquent child that their unholy union produced.