Seeing as it’s Christmas I’ve Decided to Hire an Assassin

It will be a multiple contract to rub out the following scumbags of whom I’ve heard so much:


Noel (make sure he’s the First)

Round John Virgin (just whack the fat guy, don’t touch the mother or child)

Crispin Even (dump his body in the snow)

Dec D. Halls (hang him from a rafter)

Pierre Tree (send a piece of him to his true love as a warning)

Mary Leon High (to be thrown from a church steeple)

Ms. Elle Toe (she was given the kiss of death a long time ago)

Harold Angel Singh (got too big for his boots, figured he was the newborn king)

Gisela Ying (there’s six of them, whack ‘em all)

Hal A. Luya (he knows something, make him sing first)

Frank N. Cents (that’ll teach the stinker)

Holly and Ivy (make it look like a lesbian suicide pact)

Swearwordplay

I've just thought of the perfect name for any new drug they invent to treat Tourette's Syndrome:

Ibuprofane.

What Goes Around.....

Two housewives meet while hanging out laundry on the roof terrace of their block of flats on the outskirts of Warsaw.

The year is 2012.


Z: How’s it goin’, Ludmila. I didn’t know you were up here.

L: Ah Jayses howeya, Zofia. What’s new?

Z: God, don’t talk to me. Yesterday was Aleksy’s bleedin’ confirmation and I swear the stress of it nearly killed me.

L: Aleksy’s confirmation? Go away with you, he’s not that old yet, is he?

Z: Jaysus I know. Doesn’t time fly? Anyway, wait till I tell you. We were all runnin’ round gettin’ ready to head off to the mass and just when things were getting’ reeeal hectic, doesn’t a feckin’ water pipe only burst.

L: Ah, it didn’t!

Z: I’m tellin’ ya. Water all over the kitchen floor and the bleedin’ thing gushing like a geezer from under the sink.

L: Ah you poor thing. So, whatja do?

Z: Well you know my Pawel’s feck all use with the DIY so we had to call a plumber.

L: God, isn’t that awful expensive?

Z: Well, that’s what I thought but then the fellah from the agency came over and you’d never guess what? He was one of them new Irish plumbers.

L: Ah that new crowd. I’m not too sure about them. I mean it was alright at the beginning but there are thousands of them over here now. Soon the streets’ll be filled wi' them beggin’ and clogging up the footpaths.

Z: Ah but they’re different from the Romanians. Ireland used to have a decent education system and quite a few of them are well trained.

L: Yeah but by their own backward standards. Poland’s a modern democratic country not some tinpot state run by corrupt tyrants. We do things differently here.

Z: Well this fellah had the pipe fixed in no time, he was very polite and charged half the price of a Polish plumber. His Polish wasn’t much good but at least he was tryin’.

L: Really? Well I suppose it must seem like a lot of money to them. You’ll have to give me his name in case we need a job done.

Z: Oh Jaysus Ludmila, he told me his name but I couldn’t remember it. I couldn’t even pronounce it when he told me.

L: Well there you go! They're over here now, you’d think they’d change their gobbldigook names for something a bit more normal. It’s called ‘integration’. We should send the half of them home.

Z: Ah God love them Ludmila. The poor things have had it hard. And sure their kids will be Polish when they grow up.

L: Yeah but you know my brother-in-law, Stanislaw. Well he’s an electrician and he says that them Irish are driving the price of labour down and ruining it for the local tradesmen. And my friend Alicja lives next door to an Irish family and says they have ‘two’ cars. How many Polish families d’you know who can’t afford two cars, eh? We should feck them out of the EU, that way they couldn’t come over here so easily.

Z: Ah don’t be so hard on them. They’re just trying to put food on the table. And it could be worse. At least they’re white.

L: Yeah, s’pose so.

Z: And catholic.

L: Yeah.

Z: Yeah.