Scientific Studies

As a qualified labcoat wearer who occasionally reads the newspaper, I feel it is time to carry out some serious research into the durability of certain items that seem astoundingly impervious to decay. The assay in question should be executed by a legitimate and reputable scientific institution and would involve isolating and monitoring the following subjects:


The Radium-226 Isotope












The Happy Meal






The Body of Saint Bernadette of Lourdes






Helen Mirren’s Sex Appeal




Newt Gingrich’s Dark Soul









Let us see which of these seemingly eternal entities lasts the longest.