Evolution of Soccer Mom Cars
1960s – THE HATCHBACK
Hobby car for the bored wifey so that she can maintain her coiffure with weekly visits to the hairdresser. Being able to scoot around and have lunch with her girlfriends also keeps her from hitting the cooking sherry too hard at home.
1970-1980s – THE STATION WAGON
Driven by the patriarch when he’s home but delegated to wife in his absence. Handy rear space for groceries, pet dogs, squealing kids and sex with TV repair man while hubby’s away.
1990-2000s – THE SUV
A sign of things to come. The soccer mom claims to like the SUV because it’s safe, but only for the kids that really count - hers! The kids from inferior cars with whom you collide can easily be hosed of the front bumper when you get home. The higher seating also lends the illusion of empowerment to women who have surrendered their lives to their husband’s salaries.
2010s - The H2 Hummer
Began in the mid-2000s but really took off later when the media somehow convinced the American public that international terrorist organizations were bothering to target ‘nuclear' families. H2 sales strangely coincide with a sudden increase in encyclopedia sales given that most moms have to sit on volumes A-E and F-J just to be able to see over the steering wheel.
2020s - The CUT
Due to an increased obsession with security and progressive decrease in the sexual potency of the American male, Civilian Urban Tanks(CUTs) take the market by storm late in the 2010s.
The trend is begins when the Detroit conglomerates form a strategic alliance with major defense contractors to produce the ‘Abrams FamilyFreedom’. Sales rocket, there are 6-month waiting lists to snap up this streamlined version of the tank that had served the nation so well in past conflicts.
Of course, oversees manufacturers don’t take long to catch on to the trend and within 18 months the Germans have come out with the ‘Panzer KlanKruzer’. The KlanKruzer begins to make some serious inroads into the American market because of its kiddy-friendly sliding doors, elegant European styling and reputation for reliability. However, both manufacturers are knocked sideways a year later when Honda/Nissan bring out their ‘Rolling Rumblebug, a nine-seater Armored Personnel Carrier. At just over three hundred thousand dollars and a thrifty two gallons to the mile, the ‘Roller’ suddenly puts civilian-military hardware within the acquisitive grasp of the average American household. All over the nation moms are donning their Kevlar sweatsuits, putting on their night goggles and reversing their fifty-ton, armor-plated family vehicles out of the driveway to take their little Vanessas and their little Tylers to hockey practice.
The whirlwind success of CUTs is boosted even further in 2018, when a Republican-led congress votes in an adjustment to the second amendment of the United States Constitution giving the people the ‘right to keep and bear heavy artillery’. This is indeed the turning point for tank dealerships across the nation.
Naturally, this new evolution in family-oriented private-use transportation has its detractors. Certain demographics begin protesting that the new vehicles are dangerous, that the reduced driver-visibility from the narrow eye-slit in the front could lead to an increase in highway collisions. That the proliferation of armor-plated vehicles is leading to more aggressive driving habits on out roads. That the tons of reinforced steel that are needed to build a tank along with the gallons and gallons of diesel fuel required to run it, make this form of transport somewhat detrimental to the environment. That they cause more traffic problems, more pollution, more parking problems and accidentally crush more children leaving school than other more ‘city-friendly’ vehicles. Don Huber is the chairman of the Family Association of Civilian Urban Tank Drivers. We asked him what he thought about these criticisms:
"Well, with every advance in highway technology, you’re gonna get some pinko whining about something. Let me tell you, this here country was build on freedom and that means that we’re free to drive our CUTs on the open roads of this great nation and other drivers are free to get out of our way. So, lateral and rear visibility really isn’t that much of an issue. Speaking of which, how am I supposed to be a more aggressive driver when I can only clock a maximum of 47 mph? Tell me that? And as to that other stuff, well Hell, consuming more steel and fuel is exactly what creates more American jobs, so in reality we’re helping the economy. Not like those damn tree huggers with their titchy, lean-burn SUVs. Goddamn it, don’t they know how ridiculous they look?"
SOCCER MOM USER REVIEWS:
Everyone who says that they don’t like CUTs are usually the people who have never driven a tank or can't afford one and they’re basically jealous. I remember when my neighbor Cindy caught sight of our new Panzer convertible in the driveway, well she just had to have one. And boy does it turn heads? Believe me, once you’ve sat behind the steering levers of one of these babies, you’ll never be able to go back to a tyre-vehicle ever again!
Jenny Kovitz - Austin, TX.
As a mother of three, I really appreciate the need for safety on the road. You only have to glance at the rollover resistance on our Abrams RR to see that it beats everything on the market. That cannon-recoil absorption system has been perfectly adapted to prevent whiplash and folded kiddy strollers fit so perfectly the ammunition storage area. I just have to look up and see my baby, Jody, high in the gun turret, strapped into his child safety seat to know he’s way out of harms way. Sure the fuel costs are a little high, but what’s that when compared to the lives of your children? Why our APC is just like another member of the family.
Allison Stone - Jacksonville, FL.
A totally AWESOME ride. Just three words, POWER, POWER and MORE POWER.
Denise Santana - Los Angeles, CA.
Just last week at the mall, another driver started yelling at me for parking my tank too close to her Hummer and that she couldn’t reverse out without scratching her paintwork. I just told her that she was lucky that I didn’t park it on TOP of her puny H2, which I TOTALLY could. That shut her up. I love, love, love my Roller and couldn’t drive anything else. And it’s got the cutest pink cellphone holder on the dashboard too!
Lynne MacCarthy - New York, NY.
We get a whole lot of snow up here in winter and let me tell you those tank tracks maneuver a heck of a lot better than tyres. It’s like having snowchains on all year round! Just a pity that it doesn’t fit in the garage. Hell, we’d need a hanger for that thing!
Debbie Heller - Ann Arbor, MI.